For the past few years, Alan has been asking Dave for a brief synopsis of his life so far.  Dave has yet to comply.  We understand that Dave keeps himself very busy and therefore have allowed him to slide on this particular job requirement.  However, our public is demanding the information and we felt obliged to offer them something.  Therefore, we offer the following:

     To the best of our ability, we have pieced together what we have learned of this enigma known as Dave and have listed this information below.  We then built a narrative that we feel best captures our findings.  But, let's start at the beginning...
 
 

1) Born somewhere between 1492 and 1976, Dave began life as a male child.  We feel very comfortable that this can be corroborated.

2) We believe he had biological parents, but the rumors of some form of virginal conception by his mother could not be sustantiated.  In truth, we did find evidence that it was Dave himself who started those rumors.  It's unlikely he is the product of genetic engineering because he's, like, way older than that kind of technology.

3) Any siblings he may or may not have, either were or weren't born before or after him.

4) There have been no anecdotal stories from his childhood, so we presume he was born as a teenager.  This must have been very rough on his mother.  Prehaps a c-section was necessary.  It's entirely possible that he was born in the wild.

5) He's never spoken about typical grade school and high school experiences, but he's very street smart so we believe his education was gathered on the streets.  We're not sure which streets, but anyone who knows him would probably agree it was a red-light district somewhere.

6) We were unable to contact any old friends of his, but he has mentioned them, so we conjecture that he did, indeed, have some friends.  We realize this is purely speculative, but we'll give him the benefit of the doubt on this one.

7) He used to do something with race cars.  We apologize for not having a lot more information about this.  Dave has spoken often about his experience with race cars, but he talks so much about stuff and sometimes he talks really fast, so it's hard to keep paying attention and we usually end up pretending to listen, but we're thinking about other stuff while he drones on and on.  Usually, you can be looking right at him, and even appear to be paying attention, and have no clue what he's talking about.  Sometimes you might be thinking, "He's so full of baloney" and then you start thinking of baloney or roast beef, or, like the club sandwiches at the Jolly Roger, which are very good, and you think, "Boy it'd be great to have a club sandwich right now!"  But anyway... Dave has experience with race cars.

8) He was married and had kids.  Something happened and he got divorced, but still has kids.

9) He lived in Pennsylvania at some point.  This is how we were able to narrow his birth date down, we know he's old, but he couldn't have been born before 1492, because that's when Columbus first discovered America and Pennsylvania didn't exist until America was discovered.  Actually, it existed, it just wasn't called Pennsylvania.  It was probably called some indian name, because that's who was living there before the evil white man came in and ate all the Maze.  But that's another story.

10) He remarried (a different woman), but we're not sure if this union produced any children.  We know he has kids and at least some of them were born to the first wife, but then like we said before, it's really hard to pay attention to him sometimes, so he might or might not have had kids with his second wife Jackie.  We do know that Jackie has kids, but this is about Dave, not Jackie.

11) He has done construction work.  Don't know where he learned it or when he started, but at some point, Dave did build things.  We know this because we've seen him build things.  Actually, we've never seen him personally build something, but he's really good at telling someone how to build something and making sure it gets built, so we've bought into the whole idea that he can build stuff like he claims.  He's also talked about working on his house, but that took like, twelve years or something to put on an addition... His wife, Jackie would have more information about this, but this isn't about Jackie.

12) Dave moved to the Outer Banks of North Carolina sometime after 1903.  We have verified this because there are no records showing residency prior to that.  There are no records of residency for him prior to 1940 either, but we built in some extra time just to be on the safe side.  We want to make sure all this information is accurate.

13) Dave started a Karaoke business.  He began when karaoke was in it's infancy here in the United States and was trained by the people who produced the first CD+G discs for Karaoke.  We have good information on this because it was something in which we were interested, so we paid attention.

14) He worked with Friscos, Night Flight and George's Junction setting up their Karaoke systems.  The equipment at the time was high tech, but the show training that Dave had received was all wrong.  He didn't know it yet, but fate was smiling on him and soon things would change. (Sure that sounds a bit melodramatic, but the story needed a boost here)

This picture of the little girl was just really cute and we wanted to use it.  It has no relative value to Dave's story.

15) Dave heard about this new kid in town and went to check out the hot new sensation, Alan Ross.  He immediately saw the potential dollar signs because he realized that Alan was so talented, funny, personable, charming, handsome, giving, approachable, gregarious... well, you get the picture.  Anyway, this is supposed to be about Dave.

16) So Alan is this incredible entertainer, see, and Dave wanted to learn everything Alan could teach him.  So Dave begged and pleaded and whined ( I mean it was really pitiful) until Alan finally broke down and hired him.  Then Dave began doing Karaoke a lot better.

17) Dave began doing shows for Alan at the Froggy Dog in Avon, NC and, after a couple of years, got the hang of it.

18) Since then, Dave has done a lot of shows with the Alan Ross Karaoke Roadshow and has kept doing other stuff on the side.

19) Somewhere around the new millenium, Dave started working as a line cook at the Jolly Roger because he was tired of doing all the management stuff at other restaurants and just wanted a job that had no responsibility.  But because he can't help himself he soon expanded his responsibilities at the Jolly Roger and was soon running the whole place as the General Manager.
We believe that Dave's heart would actually stop beating if it didn't have stress to keep it pumping.

20) Now Dave has left the Jolly Roger and is old and tired and his mind isn't what it used to be.  But he still works occasionally for Alan and about 8000 hours a week for another company on the beach that doesn't do anything remotely related to Karaoke.

Well, we hope you've enjoyed this biographical look at Dave and hope that this narrative will finally be the reason Dave submits an actual biography to us for publication.